is earl there?

after my class tonight, i made the inevitable trip to walmart. usually, i try to hold out as long as i can, waiting for my mom to give in first and ask me if she can pick up anything for me [i know. it's rough] but tonight i gave in. i don't have to pay for the roof over my head or the electricity to run my itunes. i can pick up a few groceries...every once in awhile.

now for the good part of the story.

i'm walking out of a version 92 walmart [please don't ask me how i know this]. i'm on going down the hall with the soda machines on my left and the windows on the right. i reach the door; i hear a ring.
the pay phone at the end of the line is ringing. not joking.
i stop in my steps and look around to see if anyone else is hearing what i'm hearing. then suddenly, my mind is flooded with a dozen scenes from movies depicting this surreal experience. if i answer it, will i be transported back to my matrix life? perhaps i am in the scene from a horror movie and the voice on the other line will tell me he's watching me. maybe i've been selected to warn the world of a coming explosion or revealed the true killer of JFK. best yet, could it be the voice of God providing me specific direction of what i am to do next in life and if adam had a belly button. and if i don't answer, the girl on the other line being held hostage will die, world peace may not be found and i'll never know if there really were weapons of mass destruction.

so what do i do? i pick it up.

pause. "hello?" i ask.

"is earl there?" she says.

longer pause. "uh. excuse me?" i stutter.

"is earl there?" she asks again.

"i'm sorry. you must have the wrong number." darn it.

no heavenly voices, no murder mystery, not even a scary man. i walked out the adjacent door, laughing out loud and wishing someone could have shared that moment with me. i couldn't have made it up and she really couldn't have asked for a man by a better name.

check this out.
though i regret i cannot attend, i think it will be definitely worth it.
plus...they have a pretty cool website. do it.
click here for more info.

i repent

i repent.
i repent of my pursuit of america's dream
i repent.
i repent of living like i deserve anything
of my house, my fence, my kids, my wife
in our suburb where we're safe and white
i am wrong and of these things i repent

i repent.
i repent of parading my liberty
i repent.
i repent of paying for what i get for free
and for the way i believe that i am living right
by trading sins for others that are easier to hide
i am wrong and of these things i repent.

i repent judging by a law that even i can't keep
of wearing righteousness like a disguise
to see through the planks in my own eyes.

i repent.
i repent of trading truth for false unity
i repent.
i repent of confusing peace and idolatry
by caring more of what they think
than what i know of what we need
by domesticating you until you look just like me
i am wrong and of these things i repent.

[i repent. derek webb.]

it's me

so. it is only 6:30 am here and i've already been working for an hour and a half. i had one of my restless, sleepless kind of nights. i hate those. i'd much rather start tackling the things consuming my mind than lay in bed and worry about them.

perhaps i'm worried about my first project i'm sending out for permit next week. or maybe it's lunch today with a friend that i know i need to say something to but i have absolutely no clue how to say it. it could even be that i spent 2 hours last night beginning investment accounts and i have no idea where i'm going or what i'm doing in six months. and now, as i'm contemplating all of this, trying to figure out what my problem is, i remember...it's me. i am my biggest obstacle. i am the one that makes things complicated. i am an imposter. i am what keeps me from peace, from running free. He's offered it, but i refused.

"no thank you," i say, "i'm find on my own."

i'd rather stumble in the dark then reach out for the Hand i cannot see, and listen to the Voice whose Source i cannot see. i'm scared to rely on Someone that makes no sense to me. i'd rather trip and fall on my own accord than open myself and be vulnerable and out of control.

yes. i see it now. it's me.

p.s. written while listening to free. shawn mcdonald...really loud
p.p.s. i'm going on month two without any caffeine and i'm seriously wondering if i'll stay awake today

finding. er. losing my center

i went to yoga. i speak in past tense because currently, it is something i have only done once. though i have all intention of continuing, i cannot yet say, i take yoga. that would be an exaggeration of the truth.
i don't exaggerate to make a story better.
*wink.*
but i did take a yoga class.

i have few, natural, physical talents. no matter how hard i try, i cannot make my ears wiggle or pop joints out of place. i do not have a body built for a runner or the grace of a ballerina. i'm tough naturally, but i am a soccer player because i practiced. if i do something well, it's usually because i've had to work hard to get there. on trips home from school, i often found myself overwhelmed as family shared the latest race times..."oh and eric had a 4:15 mile...amy pr'd [personal record] last week in the 3200...megan is finishing first for the eighth graders..."
*alas.*
i tried to compete with these sornson runners...
"you should see the section i drew in studio! it was a tough process to get there, but then, flow kicked in and it came to me in record time..."
*sigh.*
somehow it's just not the same.

being flexible, however, is different. flexibility has been something that has come easily for me. remember those presidential fitness tests we had to take in elementary school? i held the record for the longest v-sit reach, fingertips 14 inches beyond my toes. [this fact is worth noting because it is the only record i have held...ever...and no, i was never awarded anything for my recordly fast section drawing]

so when my co-worker asked me if i'd like to join her...
"yoga? sure. i'll give it a try."

if you think yoga is for people who can't compete at sports...
well, you might be right. the other people in the classes didn't necessarily have "athlete" type bodies. but if you think yoga is an easy work out and can be done without losing a drop of sweat...
you would most definitely be wrong.

half the time, i was about to crack up laughing from the noises people were making and how silly they looked. the rest of the time, i was complimenting myself on my natural, yoga ability. it was interesting to me the way the instructor lead the class, repeating over and over again the most basic of instructions as her "pupils" listened so intently.
am i missing something?

"inhale, exhale. inhale. exhale."
hey lady, i mastered that one about 24 years ago.
i'm past the stage of needing help breathing.
if i had difficulties with this, we've got other problems.

and then...
"find your center."
ha. excuse me, but i don't have any problem finding my center...
it's that large area between my bottom half and top half.
in fact, i'd rather not find it and instead lose it.

then there is...
"focus your energy."
once again, check that one off as done and down pat.
it's called overcommitted.
i've found more ways than i think are humanly managable to funnel my energy and if possible, i'd like to keep a little for myself.

lastely...
"meditation. clear your mind."
nap time. it's a quickie, but i used to survive days in studio on these.
i'm already a pro.

maybe in a few weeks, i'll write of the yoga class i'm teaching for i fear i am already steps ahead of the people who attend every week, attempting to master such an art.
*sarcasism*
but right now, it's just a class i took.

[note to self: no matter how easy she makes that leaning-over-one look, don't try it. you now hurt in places you ever thought possible]
*ouch.*

wounded healer

though i'm not an impulsive person, i am also not one to sit around and only talk about something. i'm a doer. i like action. if i say i am going to do something, i usually do. [though sometimes i think only through stubbornness] my INTJ temperament predicts me as such.
so what did i do yesterday? i got a tattoo.

when i was burned in europe, i wanted all of the scars to go away except for the drip line on my right foot. for some reason, even on the day of the event, i thought this looked pretty cool. the only time i ever see it now is after i get out of a hot shower and the redness returns. this permanent marking was born out of the oil outline. i've been drawing it on my foot for weeks now to get it just right..i knew exactly what i wanted. the tattoo artist even left my own pen markings on to be sure the ink was placed correctly. i must say, it was quite an experience. here is, this little, white, suburbia, girl in a tattoo parlor... i must have been a sight with in my pointy toed shoes, business attire, and a small string of dots on my foot.

if you've read this blog very long or know me at all, you might deduct two chapters of my life which have been important...being burned with oil while in prague [read here, here and here] and recovering from an emotional wound [read more here, here, and here] these events, separate and isolated, make little sense to me. but when they are paired together, each lends itself to the other for a deeper understanding; they become a compliment to the other. the physical burn i suffered almost two years ago has given me a tangible picture of what my wounded heart has undergone and the healing that has taken place. though the damaged skin has become faded scars, they vividly paint a beautiful picture for me of His faithfulness and restoration in my life. the wounds in my heart have become faded memories, but still remain a part of my story. they have opened me up to Truths i never knew existed and purposes i could not imagined without such suffering.

we all have wounds. for some, these wounds were inflicted by the harsh words of a mother or the neglectfulness of a father. perhaps it was a divorce or abandonment, disease or abuse. we don't have to look far to find them. however, we're afraid to reveal them because we don't want to feel the pain or be hurt again. we become good at hiding them under our pride. we try to deal with them on our own, not realizing healing can only come when we acknowledge them, accept them and make them visible to others. when we do this, our wounds illuminate and stabilize our own lives as well as become a source of healing to others. they remind us of our brokenness, of our need for grace. we do not become arrogant victims; we become wounded healers, educated towards empathy.
[refer relevant magazine's podcast 03.03 and manning's abba's child p28-31]

so, yeah. i got a tattoo.

the rain

the rain came today. they've been telling me it would be here all week and i cannot remember the last time i saw it. today the rain showed up. i love the smell it brings with it, fresh and clean, full of life. spring is on its way, i can feel it in the air. it is a time where all nature seems to rejoice in its birth to a renewed life, promising the warmth of color and sunshine. it only seems appropiate that as my wipers rhythmically accompaning me into the office, i saw my first budding tree of the season. it was a pear tree, they are always the first to arrive on the spring scene. it usually puts forth its snowy blossoms at a date when snow can hardly be assumed to be a thing entirely of the past and i always fear for them a late freeze. before long, we'll see the daffodiles and azaleas, roses and lillies, tulips and daisies. [excuse the floral design class influence in me] but i'll wait for the color, i'll wait for the warmth. today, i will enjoy caedmon's call new tunes playing through my ears and the rain falling outside my window.
i will enjoy this moment; the world is waking up with me.

randoms

it's friday. another beautiful day.
and i'm sitting in front a computer.
argh.

so. over the last few months, i've been collecting random emails.
i'm not a forwarder...
but some things are just too good to keep to myself.
enjoy.

and you thought it was just a phrase...
flatter than a pancake

how do you define beauty? oh the power of photoshop...
fluid effect
[-portfolio-agree-before/after-hold over before to see unaltered photo]
*okay...something's wrong with this site. hopefully it will be fixed soon.*

pretty cool even if you don't recognize their names...
the snow show

a fun little ditty...
museum plaza
[-video-select video viewing program]

mac users are crazy
transparent screens

musicians as well...
kid beyond [sound warning]

a pretty good spoof...
cheney's got a gun
[to the tune of aerosmith's janie's got a gun]

what is on my mind lately...
the traveling team
heart of God

because i'm an architect and this makes me laugh...
dilbert

and if that didn't work, try this...
shock

if you're up for it...
oklahoma city memorial marathon


we're into the business of lofts in wichita. recently
we had some advertising published [pdf] with yours truly as a model.
you know what kind of model you are when you're paid in food...
i'm not quitting my day job.


20th annual academy awards shorts
saturday, march 4 - 10:00am
the murdock theatre, 20th century center
536 n. broadway
this saturday, the wichita public library will present pixar technical director patrick james at the murdock theatre to discuss and show his oscar -nominated animated short "one man band". james has worked on such films as "toy story 2," "monsters, inc.," "finding nemo," "the incredibles" and the upcoming "cars". after "one man band" all the oscar nominated shorts will be shown in the murdock theatre until 4 p.m.

any takers...

nickel creek
tuesday, march 21 – 7:30 pm
orpheum theater
200 n. broadway
sample my favorite...takes a moment
[green and gray] lyrically rich

shawn mcdonald
monday, march 27 - 7:30 pm
olivet baptist church
3440 w. 13th st. north
sample my other favorites...too hard to pick one.
[here am i] cannot-sing-loud-enough
[take my hand] windows-down kind of song