stick shifts and safety belts

'as you step on the gas, simultaneously let up on the clutch. go slowly on both and listen to the sound the car makes. the engine will tell you when you need to switch gears.'

i was teaching my littlest sister how to drive a standard. the lesson occurred partly because she wanted to know, partly because i thought she needed to know, but mostly because i'm tired of being the only female in the house who can handle such a vehicle and hate driving it to work with heels.

she looked at me with all the confidence of one who only knows in her mind, camouflaging the real fear of never having tried it.

'it sounds easy enough, it looks easy enough,' i'm sure she thought. her nose crinkled up as she made her first attempt with the blue ranger out of the asphalt stall. the little pickup jumped forward like a grasshopper in a field, jerking us along with it.

she turned to me, eyes wide in shock, 'what did i do?!'

'it's not what you did, it's more what you didn't do.' i explained again how the clutch worked and how it must be let out slowly.

attempt no 2: jumping truck
attempt no 3: jumping truck

attempt no 4 got us around the parking lot and into second gear. she liked second gear better, less jerking. it was the starting and stopping that was the problem. she began asking questions, ones she wouldn't have known to ask before and ones i couldn’t have answered until i watched her. we spent the next hour moving from row to row till her little body relaxed and the frustration on her face melted into an accomplished smile.

back in the neighborhood we went for loops around the block. i remember taking the same routes when she first learned to ride without her training wheels...we couldn't go around enough then.
'just one more time?' she asked this time.
i smiled, ‘of course.’

as she got out of the truck, she turned back to me with her smart-aleck grin. she did a little hop in the air and tapped her feet together.
she had done it.
it was a proud, older sister kind of moment.

47 days, 22 hours, and 32 minutes i begin my trip for india. i can't help but think i'm sitting in the driver's seat as my little sister did this weekend. i've read my books, talked to people who have been on similar trips and had tea with native indians. i stand as one on the other side of understanding a culture, on the other side of mistakes i'll make and on the other side of preconceptions. i don't know what questions to ask or what answers i need.

i sit in this seat, my hand on the ignition, one foot on the clutch and the other on the break. the passenger's seat is empty for i don't know yet who will guide me when i get there. people tell me i'm brave for going on my own. i don't feel like it, i guess i just don't know what i'll face to have to be brave about. i sit in my car on the other side of the world, on the other side of seeing, on the other side of understanding, knowing despite my preparation, it's going to be a bumpy ride.

p.s. yesterday, the day after writing this post i was rear ended in the little, blue pick-up waiting to turn by a car traveling 40mph. the poor little, fiber-glass accord... it really stood no chance against my steel bumper. ah...for once, it felt good to be a truck driving girl.

p.p.s. the post was originally named after cake's song, though only because i had 'stick shifts' in the title. after the accident...the 'safety belts's seemed even more appropiate.