small enough

last weekend was my own personal kick-off weekend. the college and career group at my church planned a retreat at a campsite near lawrence. i have been excited about this weekend away for such a long time. i needed a fresh start, a clean slate. i had such deep community in manhattan that i was starving for it again. i was ready to engage in relationships and be apart of something bigger and more intentional than myself. the weekend gave me a taste of that again. i have a feeling it will be difficult to trust again; but i know the risk is worth it. it is worth more than not engaging. for the first time in awhile, i began to take that risk.

i've had a lot of time to myself the past few months and being around people constantly for three days was a little much. i needed to take time to be alone and away from others. on one of my walks away, i cried out. i feel like i'm trapped, like i'm trying to break out and be free again. but something is holding me in, keeping me from truly letting go and moving on. it's almost like a catepillar ready to break free from the cacoon he wove himself into, just waiting to emerge in all his beauty. i played this season of life's theme song in my ears over and over again...

[small enough. nichole nordeman. not complete lyrics]

all praise and all honor be to the God of ancient mysteries
whose every sign and wonder turn the pages of our history
but tonight my heart is heavy and i cannot keep from
whispering this prayer, "are You there?"

and i know You could leave writing on the wall
thats just for me or send wisdom while i'm sleeping,
like in soloman's sweet dreams
but i don't need the strength of samson or a chariot in the end
just want to know that You still know how many hairs are on my head
oh great God, be small enough to hear me now

as i raised my head and tear stained cheeks, this butterfly flew right in front of me. emergence is soon, it seemed to say. it was exactly what i needed to see.