it's me

so. it is only 6:30 am here and i've already been working for an hour and a half. i had one of my restless, sleepless kind of nights. i hate those. i'd much rather start tackling the things consuming my mind than lay in bed and worry about them.

perhaps i'm worried about my first project i'm sending out for permit next week. or maybe it's lunch today with a friend that i know i need to say something to but i have absolutely no clue how to say it. it could even be that i spent 2 hours last night beginning investment accounts and i have no idea where i'm going or what i'm doing in six months. and now, as i'm contemplating all of this, trying to figure out what my problem is, i remember...it's me. i am my biggest obstacle. i am the one that makes things complicated. i am an imposter. i am what keeps me from peace, from running free. He's offered it, but i refused.

"no thank you," i say, "i'm find on my own."

i'd rather stumble in the dark then reach out for the Hand i cannot see, and listen to the Voice whose Source i cannot see. i'm scared to rely on Someone that makes no sense to me. i'd rather trip and fall on my own accord than open myself and be vulnerable and out of control.

yes. i see it now. it's me.

p.s. written while listening to free. shawn mcdonald...really loud
p.p.s. i'm going on month two without any caffeine and i'm seriously wondering if i'll stay awake today