ready to go, willing to stay

i can't sleep.
i can't read.
i can't work.
i can't eat.

tonight, all i can do is think about is india. what is it about this country that has stirred my heart? tuesday, my friends will go there for 12 days; i think i would give my left hand [as well as my right] to go with them. when the opportunity first came up, i dismissed the anxiousness in my heart because i didn't think it would be feasible with the honeymoon i thought i'd be taking. oh what i wouldn't give to go back and volunteer. a month ago, they invited me to come along; despite the short notice. i had a plane ticket reservation and approval, however, other logistics couldn't be worked out. it wasn't time yet.

"wait on Me," i heard Him say.
so here i sit.
here i wait.

caedmon's call, share the well, was playing in the background; i had to turn it off because it was antagonizing my excitement. "why india?" i think to myself. i don't know anyone from there, i have no experience working with hindu people; i have nothing to offer you. but something for you burns within me. i'm going to need flashing red lights to keep me from leaving in august for a fall internship. i have no obligations here; no car payments and soon no school loans to be paid. my possessions include a closet full of clothes, a desk, a lamp, a set of pink dishes;
all i can leave behind.

i'm ready to go, willing to stay.
until then, i'm on my knees for you.

hope this video gets your monday off to a good start. it did mine!
wet germans. the ladies at the end are the best!

all at sea

my mind has been everywhere but on work this week. it often drifts off to far away places, known and unknown, to people in my past and others i have yet to meet, to memories and unwritten events. half of the time i'm sitting at my desk, i'm really not there, but nobody seems to notice. i don't mind either.

never seeing the ocean until i was 20, i think it had a greater impact on me than most. i was so overwhelmed as i stared into the vastness of it all at virginia beach; i wanted to turn completely around and see nothing but water. i wanted all people to vanish from view to leave me alone in between the scaleless waves. i think this would remind me just how small i really am; i would be humbled in His greatness.

so as i've developed weird and random dream i've realized it can be accomplished one of three ways: stranded on a life raft from a plane crash, emerging from below in a submarine, or sailing, with the wind and the sails as my company. i opt for the last one. someday i'll cross it off my list.

until then, i'll continue to listen to jamie cullum's all at sea[download must!]and think of egypt.

i’m all at sea-where no one can bother me-forgot my roots-if only for a day-just me and my thoughts-sailing far away-like a warm drink it seeps into my soul-please just leave me right here on my own-later on you could spend some time with me-if you want to-all at sea-if you don’t need it every day-but sometimes don’t you just crave-to disappear within your mind-you never know what you might find-so come and spend some time with me-and we will spend it all at sea

favorite tree

for the first time since i left, i miss being in manhattan. i miss the flint hills in the fall. i long to run up manhattan hill to look down on the city clothed in its fall wardrobe. i miss my favorite tree in manhattan. i don't call very many things favorites; i use that title cautiously. however, i do not think twice in stating that i have a favorite tree, or perhaps had one. it was the kind of tree that caused me to change my walking path through campus in the fall just so i might walk by it in the warm morning light and again as the air turned brisk on my way home. this tree had the ability to call me from my studio desk, asking me to take a few moments to sit in front of it in the stillness. its color change always began at the upper left side and slowly bled its way across, creating soft, diagonal bands of color around it's form. even more than beholding it in its entirety from the front, i liked sitting at its trunk and gazing up. i'd peer between its branches, watching the sunlight filter through, bouncing all around. green turned yellow, evolving into orange, climaxing at red...it truly was a sight to behold. i miss my tree.



no longer do i have the pleasure of daily campus walks. now i pass a smelly dumpster, an empty bar, and a pizza shop on my journey from the parking lot to the office. the cities adolescent trees are held captive in wrought iron leaving little room to breath. i am beginning to miss out on the morning's glow as i leave my house only to return at its setting. but that doesn't keep me from searching for a new favorite. every tree i pass, whether or not it realizes it, is a contender for the title. the colors are just now beginning to turn, the competition will be stiff. but i am confident a new champion will be found. it is still early.

knob fest

knob...i cannot even say that word without smiling. it's really random word, especially to be coupled with "fest." what is a knob fest you may be asking? what might you do at one? i had no idea, at least until last night, when i witnessed one of the most creative displays of music i have ever seen. it wasn't about performance or cd sales. there was no plug for the fisch haus studios on the floor above or when the after party started. it was all about the music, it's purity and evolution.
we use our senses to convey to others what is within us. we may begin with pictures and move onto words to explain even further. sometimes a single picture can take the place of a thousands words, and other moments, three little words are all that is needed. our touch conveys passion and intimate pieces of our souls in a way no other sense is capable of doing, or just assure another they are not alone. usually i'm a lyrics kind of girl...i like a song for the words it speaks to me and not necessarily its chord transitions or juxtaposition of rhythm. but last night, no words were spoken for no words were needed; it was just music. those notes, those sounds, those harmonies aroused every part of my being. it was beautiful.

i've listened to the videos i recorded and scanned through sound bites from the artists on the internet; it's not the same. i have to be back in that dark gallery, watching the flashing the black and white images upon the musicians and white dome behind them. i have to be in a room surrounded by 100 other people but feel as if i'm the only one, completely enveloped by sound. i have to know there are many things that matter to me in life, but at that moment, sound was the only thing that had my attention.

i think music is one of God's greatest gifts to us. i think He enjoys watching us explore and reinvent it. He loves hearing us lift the voices He's given us, or perfect the chords He first wrote. God is in every note ever played whether or not it was the artist's intent. i hate the term christian music. what does that mean, anyway? the notes have to be written by a person who follows Christ? the lyrics have to be about Him? there must be a gospel choir in the background? last night God was praised in those refrains, even if only He and i knew it.

let God have you, and let God love you- and don't be suprised if your heart begins to hear music you've never heard and your feet learn to dance as never before.
max lucado.

another cup of tea

i always hated coffee. we would take studio breaks and walk down to radina's for a cup o' joe, i would opt for my alternative, tea. i just couldn't stand the bitter black drink. it didn't matter how much cream and sugar i added, nothing could beat my hot berry, or christmas chi. i must admit now, i have come to appreciate the caffeinated wonder, but my first love is not rooted in those potent beans.

over a good cup of tea do people relax and open up. as they are inhaling the warm sweetness do they let their guard down and tell their story. i love these moments. i decided someday i want to have a shelf full of tea cups; each uniquely important and each with its own history, just as the person drinking from it that they may both be told together. so this summer, i began collecting. until i have a kitchen of my own, they will remain spread out in random places about my room.



i realized my amassing had already begun. last winter, three of my studio friends ventured to japan for a field trip [did i ever pick the wrong studio!] remembering my affinity towards the green leaves, they brought me back two authentic cups. adorning their front are four, white characters. for all i know, they could say anything from "i eat rice," to "my friends went to japan and all they brought me back were these lousy cups" and i wouldn't know the difference. i still like them

my second cup holds a three part story. it was the first cup i ever purchased for this special collection, making it monumental in and of itself. secondly, it was found in my father's iowan town. my grandmother may have visited a friend and held its handle as she talked about the weather or the crop prices. as i turned it over in the store, i found the third blessing in this piece of china. it was made in czechoslovakia, now the czech republic, a country that feels like my second home.
i toast this one to you, praha.

the next three were all given to me for my birthday by the two women who know me best. the first traveled all the way from france, to find its way into nikki's hands in l.a. i love this cup because it looks like her;
just a mid-west girl finding her place in a californian world. holding a position all your own, rarely wavering, strong and decisive.

holly's begun her married life in wisconsin and also away from me. but this week, she sent me a little piece of her in the form of a white and green flowered cup. i cannot think of her without smiling; my cup always overflows when we are together. [if she came in a male form, i would marry in an instant]

and lastly, the cup which holds the emblem of kansas. though i cannot claim this state on my birth certificate, i have spent the past 20 years deepening my love and appreciation for these golden fields. the sky so big and blue above the open plains; a simple beauty i have come to deeply admire and will always feel like home.

when i'm sixty, i'll tell all of these stories along with many more, to the company gathered around my table. we'll laugh at the dreams we've had and the memories we've made. we'll listen to each other tell the same tales over and over again, knowing it will not be the last time we'll hear them either. we'll sip from my china full of history, breath deep the steaming aroma, and pour ourselves another cup of tea.

a marriage celebration

i returned to my roots; or at least a half of them. this weekend our family journeyed back to omaha, nebraska to celebrate my grandparent's 50th wedding anniversary. although i have never spent more than a week there and know few other streets besides dodge street, much of my family’s history and my family, for that matter, can be found within the city's borders. as we drove along the interstate, my dad pointed out the apartment he was living in when he first met my mom, the jobsite where they met, and the church they were married in 26 years ago. my history began here too.

stratman family gatherings are never small. my grandparents raised 9 kids of their own who each went on to begin their own families. if i counted right, that gives them 34 grandchildren...can i tell you how full their christmas tree is? and the next round of great-grandchildren has only just begun. needless to say, there are no dull moments in their old, restored farmhouse. i have made so many memories between those walls and in those fields. but another post will have to tell those stories.

i love going back. i love being surrounded by family. a large part of me wishes i could have grown-up there as well, around all of them; rooting myself there. family is a funny thing, though. it doesn't matter how long you've been gone or how much you've changed, you still know you belong with them. they still support you and stand next to you.
God knew what He was doing; He knew we needed each other.

i once asked my grandpa what is his secret? what could he pass onto me after 50 years of marriage? "give 100% and expect nothing back," he said, "anything else is conditional love. marriage doesn't work on conditions, only unconditional love." i want to love like that.


grandpa jim & grandma aggie cutting the cake once again

two cute cousins and a special grandpa moment

the only thing better than traveling with the windows down and the radio up at 70 mph is not driving so that you can take pictures out the window

ten10

birthdays are funny. it doesn't matter what has happened in the year since it last came around, 365 days later, the day you were born is still commemorated. to most, it is a time of celebration; to others, it is a time of mourning at the passing of another year. this year i celebrated the passing of my 24th year on this earth.

i cannot tell you how blessed i feel today knowing the great number of you who celebrated with me. beginning on friday i was overwhelmed by breakfast, lunch or dinner with you, a flooded email inbox, packages via snail mail, a sunflower bouquet, countless phone calls and glow-in-the-dark underware [bethany]! i feel extremely loved! thanks to all of you who made the tenth of october extra special to me this year.

healthy grieving

grief is a normal and natural response to loss. in some way or another, we have all grieved. obviously, the first thing that comes to mind is grieving the death of a love one, but we have all experienced it in other ways as well. some have grieved over the loss of a pet, another over a championship title which slipped between our fingers. i've seen people grieve after saying good-bye to good friends or old houses, as well as bands splitting or business closings. whatever it is, however intense, we have all done it. but have we ever really embraced it so that we might grow from it?

healthy grieving is an active process of continually acknowledging the pain and mending the wound. it brings us to recovery and healing, though it is a slow and emotionally painful journey; it becomes less painful as we understrand it is a natural part of life. fortunately, much of the process of healthy grieving seems to be 'built into' our genes. acknowledging and growing from losses is such a natural process that much of it will happen without our direction. if we relax our expectations of how we should grieve and give up some of our need for control.
it is not true that you just need to give it time.

grieving is not forgetting, nor is it drowning in tears. healthy grieving results in an ability to remember the importance of our loss but with a new-found sense of peace, rather than searing pain. grieving losses is important because it allows us to 'free-up' energy that is bound to the lost person, object, or experience so that we might re-invest that energy elsewhere. until we grieve effectively, we are likely to find reinvesting difficult; a part of us remains tied to the past.

i have been grieving the end of a seven-year relationship. though i never stated it specifically, most of the underlying tones of my posts have been linked to this process. i felt like a part of me had died because things happened so quickly and without warning; i was left vulnerable and without control in the situation. it didn't seem right, had i missed all the clues? how could i have felt so confident about something only to have it stripped away from me? i've gone through cycles. first there was pain, then anger. next i would move into lonliness and despair, only to finish with confidence and an "i am woman, hear me roar" kind of attitude. [sorry for any guy who stepped in my path during this one] though the time periods i spent in each varied, i have gone through this process over and over again the past four months as i learned what it means to embraced the pain andallow myself to grieve.

i don't know if you can decide to be done grieving; but if you can, i did. i don't know what changed or when i was able to fully let go, but my grieving is over. i have a peace again and a weight off of my shoulders. i will still cry, i may still get angry, and it will be awhile before i can trust a man again, but i have worked through the pain. grief has allowed me to confront the emotions i have felt, not trying to hide them away, block them, or judge them. i have dealt with them, learned from them, and am now healing from them.

i say this not as an announcement, but as a challenge. i have seen how much easier it would have been to "move on" without grieving. we all, especially guys, would rather tuck things away to deal with at a more convient time than to deal with them. what we don't realize is that until pain is addressed, it will always be there. we may become good at hiding it, but eventually it will come out. it is baggage we become accustomed to carrying not even realizing how much lighter our load could be if we would just let things go.

our scars are a part of us, part of our stories,
this wound too will be.
You've turned my mourning into dancing.

stability in the routine

i used to be scared of routines; thought i would find myself trapped in one and find no way to get out the monotony. if i ever find myself in a state of complacency and resistant to change, i think the routine should be the first thing to go. but for now, i find it comfortable. my daily schedule used to be so random, getting up at 5am for work at quick cats, coming home at 5am from studio. work out clothes one day and dress shirts the next. walk to class, ride my bike, get a parking ticket because i was lazy and drove. my process of getting ready for the day never seemed to be the same.

today, however, it's become more consistent. though sometimes i hit snooze two times instead of one, i have found reliability in my daily routine. rejuvenating my curls gets my attention first, followed by make-up, and the arduous clothes selecting, usually proceeded by a session of ironing. i always eat a yogurt with kashi on my drive in to a job i truly do love and enjoy being alone in the quietness without the radio. being a morning person, i look forward to the calm i find in the office for an hour before anyone else drags themselves through the door. i know i can only have one and half cups of coffee before my stomach starts to revolt. it growls at ten thirty and i put it on hold a couple more hours. the mornings fly by every day, but the afternoons seemed to be slowed seventy-five percent of the normal speed. i used to be startled by the trains running by our office, but now they have become the background in the soundtrack of my day.

i smile every time nancy walks by my desk as she makes some kind of comment and i can count on randy to recite the same julia morgan quote to me at least twice a month. kyle daily laughs at the random things i blurt out during the day, and i have a paper/rock/scissors battle with john every monday afternoon to decide who will pick up bagels for tuesday's staff meeting. i love the people i work with.

if i am lucky enough to get out of the office at 5:30 it takes me twenty-two minutes to get home as opposed to fourteen i usually find an hour later. the only good part of the drive home is that the time is now mine. as i fly by at 67mph, i watch the cars move around me as the suburbia america scenery barely changes. landmarks along the way remind me of many of people and prompt me to pray. i look for the familiar black car at wal-mart and pray God would bring direction to the man who drives it and boldness for another friend as i pass vegas video. i note the gas price as i exit the freeway and wonder how much longer i can play chicken with my gas gage until i succumb to the pump. i know exactly where to change lanes to avoid being stuck behind traffic at the grocery store and that i quickly need to prepare an answer for my nightly "how was your day?" question from my mother.

i covet my evenings and the freedom i find away from a desk. usually by the end of my day in the office, my legs ache from the lack of movement and beg me to take them for a run at the park. by the time the sun is setting, my mind, as well as my body, need time to unwind and process the events of the day. i've become pretty selfish with this hour of mine in the evenings and often find myself putting off other things and people to satisfy this emotional and physical desire.

my bedtime is much earlier than it ever was in college, but i appreciate the consistency to this sleep schedule. i lay down with a few pages from a good book only to give in to my nodding urges. i often think to myself, "all i have to do for the next six hours is lay here," but also know i never fully appreciate that thought. i wake up the next morning only to do it all again, but i don't mind, at least not right now. so much has changed around me the last few months, it's good to have some realm of consistentcy in life. i find stability in my schedule during a time that seems to be filled with so many uncertainties.

dine for america

on october 5, 2005, restaurants across the country will band together in a "dine for america" day, a national fundraising effort for the american red cross to help the survivors, victims, their families and other arising needs from the hurricane katrina and rita disasters.

there are a list of restaurants on this website - some are giving 100% of profit.

[dine for america]