add to the beauty. sara groves

i'm not a big fan of the sound of this song. but oh, the lyrics.
i want to add to the beauty.

we come with beautiful secrets
we come with purposes written on our hearts, written on our souls
we come to every new morning
with possibilities only we can hold, that only we can hold

redemption comes in strange place, small spaces
calling out the best of who we are
and i want to add to the beauty, to tell a better story
i want to shine with the Light
that's burning up inside

it comes in small inspirations
it brings redemption to life and work
to our lives and our work
it comes in loving community
it comes in helping a soul find it's worth

this is grace, an invitation to be beautiful
--------------------------------------

PostSecret

PostSecret is a blog and community art project started by Frank Warren. The site invites people to anonymously contribute a secret in artistic form. Each secret is a 4-by-6 postcard work of art containing a written secret. Each card is wholly unique, written on photographs, wedding invitations, or hand-made collages. The cards communicate a full range of human emotion on a small, visually engaging canvas. It's like catching a brief, forbidden glimpse through a window into the souls of all those around us.
PostSecret works with the pieces. It takes hidden, jumbled, often painful snapshots of individual lives and reassembles them into something that is utterly delicate and human. PostSecret is art at its essence. It is made up of the universals, the stuff that makes us people. It transcends race, religion, culture, age, borders, even language, giving us the stories of those we'll never know. PostSecret can be racy, painful and ugly at times. It is, after all, an expression of our deep, raw passions and emotions. But it's also breathtaking visual poetry. [relevant magazine]

until then...

it was my second day in the hospital. i had already eaten my roll and black coffee for breakfast and it wasn't yet 7 o'clock. though i had done nothing but lay in my bed for the past 36 hours, i was craving a shower. i wanted to feel clean. slight problem, i didn't know where it was and i didn't know how to ask. i must have missed this lesson in my czech language class. i played charades with my nurse, trying to mimic washing my hair, but to no avail. she either didn't understand or forgot. i lay there defeated.

i had two roommates, both elderly czech women. i have a feeling they weren't friends before their stay at the uva praha, but they had quickly bonded. they began their morning getting each other ready for their day in bed. they combed the other's hair and helped one another dress despite their eye and hand bandages. one of the women had made extra efforts to try to speak to me and i attempted back to her. we each spoke our native tongue, hoping the other would understand. but at the end, all we could do is smile.

half-way through the morning, she came to my bed. she pointed to my shampoo and motioned to me to follow her. ah success. she had understood my acting efforts. after spending my entire day laying horizontally, vertical movement was extremely painful, so i very slowly moved behind her. she lead me down the hall to a bathroom with a shower stall. “dekuji, dekuji" [thank you, thank you] i told her. she smiled. then she motioning me to removed my clothes. being a modest person, i hesitated. i looked back at her, realizing i couldn't argue, i couldn't protest. i had to comply. i took off my shirt and carefully slid my shorts around my white bandages.

she had gone ahead and i eased onto the chair she had set up in the shower, resting my feet on the other just outside the shower's door. what happened next, forever changed my life. rather than leave me to shower on my own, in a moment of complete humility, she removed her nightgown and stepped into the shower with me. she sensitively warmed the water until it was just right and began to bathe me. she lathered my hair. she rinsed my body. if for only a brief time, God had slipped her arthritic hands on as gloves, her wrinkled face on as a mask, and served me in the most delicate way that He could. i have never known love so innocent and unconditional. this woman knew nothing of me. she knew not my past nor my future, my goals nor dreams. she didn't know what had happened to me nor where i would go next. i was a burn patient in a foreign hospital, my family half way across the globe and but a hand full of friends to keep me company. there is no time in my life i should have felt more scared, more abandoned, more alone. but i was never frightened. i never felt forsaken. in our vulnerability and in our nakedness, i felt i was in my Father's hands. i saw peace. i knew love.

with this, i leave you. a break from the blogging world. a new command to be still. though i know not for how long. i will be back, on this you have my word. until then, may you hunger for Truth and find it in Him.

waves of honesty

i cannot even begin to count the number of times i driven up to manhattan. my car knows the road well. but last weekend, my little silver saturn took me for a different ride. for the first time, i went up highway 177. oh my goodness. what was i thinking ever going another way? how did i miss this? with shawn mcdonald's here am i playing as loud as my speakers would allow, i massaged the rolling roads with my wearing wheels. glorious. sometime in life you must all drive through the flinthills of kansas, though i ask that you not do it while i am driving along this highway. one, because other cars slighlty spoil the experience. and two, because i have a feeling i might be kind of dangerous steering my car with one hand at 70mph as i roll my windows down to snap pictures with the other.

after i started the ragamuffin gospel by brennan manning last week, it did not left my side until it was finished. tomorrow, i will begin his 2 day conference. i have a feeling much is to come. he writes such pure, simple truths. i cannot get these basic statements out of my head:

"honesty simply asks if we are open, willing, and able to acknowledge the truth. honesty brings an end to pretense through a candid acknowledgment of our fragile humanity...honesty before God requires the most fundamental risk that God is good, that God does love us unconditionally. it is in taking this risk that we rediscover our dignity. to bring the truth of ourselves, just as we are, to God, just as God is, is the most dignified thing we can do in this life." [138]

so as i'm driving through these rolling hills, i cannot help but think of how "honest" they seem to me. they are not made to carry glorious mountains or mighty trees. they hide nothing. all is exposed. the sky is big, the sunsets are bigger. they are unprotected; they are uncovered. they risk everything. in their vulnerability, they seem completely full of peace. full of beauty.
they are dignified.

[click photo for more driving shots]

dr. tooth

my parent's coverage ended when i turned 23. i guess the insurance company assumed i should be done with school, grown up, and have a policy of my own. [seriously. who finishes school by 23?] three months i waited until my insurance kicked in. an additional three months, were added due to laziness and dread. but today, i gave into my responsible urges. after a year and a half of delay, i went to the dentist.

i must admit, i have a pretty high pain tolerance. i would also say it takes a lot to bother me. but i must state for the record, i hate going to the dentist. i called this morning to schedule an appointment for february...
"can you make it in at 11? [ie. 45 min from now] we had another appointment cancel."
....uh....
no time to prepare myself mentally.
how do i get the wheat thins out from between my teeth?
no extra i'm-going-to-the-dentist brushing.
i should have flossed at least once since my last appointment.

oh, the smell as i first step into the office makes me want to a'bout face and walk back out to my car. i cringe at the drill i hear in the background as i flip through october's edition of people. perhaps they should make the rooms sound proof so as not to disturb small children. the hygienist calls my name, i follow her down the sterile corridor to the dreaded chair. she tries to make small talk with me, but it doesn't distract my mind from the discomfort i am about to experience. she places the sunglasses on my eyes. why must i wear the sunglasses? i am 24 years old. i don't need the glasses anymore! i look up at the ceiling decorated with inspirational posters..."a day is not wasted if a memory is made"..."excellence is not a skill. it is an attitude." i'm going to need a lot more than pictures of puppies and beaches to distract my mind from my mouth.

here's the thing i never get. i'm wearing a bib lying flat on my back, a bright light shining in my face, my mouth widely contorted to an unnatural position, and hygienist asks me "so, are you enjoying your job?" i try to be polite and answer the most coherently way that i can, but of course she can't understand me. she takes her hands and sharp shinny objects out of my mouth so i can answer my questions. i just want to tell her, "let's just keep this short and sweet. get in, get out, so i can go." it's probably good i don't have the courage for she is holding extremely pointy tools against my gums. she continues to scrape away and the horrible sounds resonates through my nasal cavity and into my ears. oh, even the thought of that noise sends shivers up my spine.

i get the inevitable you-need-to-floss-everyday speech and i nod in agreement as if i've never heard these instructions before and will obey her every word. she asks me if i'm available for an appointment 20 july...yikes! i don't even know what i'm doing the 20 january much less in six months. she gives me a toothbrush, because i guess they think the agony of the visit is lessened with a new toothbrush in hand. i slide my tongue across my newly polished, still cavity-free teeth reminding myself this really is good for my pearly whites. i exit with both a feeling of relief from another visit over and dread at the thought of returning in six months. maybe i'll leave the country.

resolutions

resolutions. i resolved many years ago never to make them. just because it's the beginning of a new year, we're all feeling fat from the holidays, and everyone else is making them, i don't want to feel obligated. it's like valentine's day. i'd rather celebrate i love you on a random tuesday than out of duty on a hallmark created day.

most of the time, the new year means fresh start, new beginning. we forget whatever happened last year or last night and we begin a new. less food, more movement. less busy, more checkbook accountability. whatever we did wrong last year won't matter because we will change this year. here lies the problem. we are creatures of habit. we don't like cold turkey kind of change. of course, we are diligent for awhile. our determination lasts for a moment. but the inevitable always comes. at least until we discover what lies below the surface. until we deal with the issue that is causing our overeating, overindulged, overwhelming state. [step off of soap box]

it is, never the less, an interesting topic. it is new years. and i have ten more minutes before new year's day is officially over and i must turn my resolutions in at the front of the classroom.

reso·lu·tion: noun
1. the state or quality of being resolute; firm determination [stubborn]
2. a resolving to do something [dedication]
3. a course of action determined or decided on [fixed purpose]

i've got no. 1 down.
working on no. 2 [aka finished projects]
... ah 3. that's the one i'm having problems with. purpose. determined action or decided course. ouch. it seems a little fuzzy right now. besides the get-a-tattoo and run a half marathon [more on these to come], coming up with goals for my entire year...slightly overwhelming. perhaps i just need to take baby steps; resolutions for my day.
easier pieces to handle.
today, i resolve to...

+ hit snooze only one time...or at least only two times
+ lay my clothes out the night before like professional people do
+ refrain eye roll when [insert co-worker's name] tries to prove himself
+ spend less time in front of my computer when i'm not paid to do so
+ make my bed
+ get one thing done ahead of time instead of the last minute
+ figure out what the words to auld lang syne mean
+ think a less of what i need and more of what other people do
+ wear sunscreen [i couldn't resist]