Thursday, December 29, 2005

story time

i like things with stories, if you haven't already guessed. i like knowing histories, hearing the narration, telling the tale. i come with a story and it seems only natural that my things to as well. don't get me wrong, there are many things i must buy without a past, though they need not be mentioned. however, other things i do not think twice about reusing.

for instance, the coat i wear is older than i am. my dad bought for my mom the winter she became pregnant with me...so technically, it was mine from the beginning. it has one of those tan suede bodies, brown fur around the collar and the big wooden buttons. it sat in the closet for the past 20 years just waiting to come back into style. now that i've claimed it, i'll continue to wear it even as it goes back out of style.
i enjoy telling its story when someone makes a comment.
man, i love that coat.

i acquired a most random item last week, a chandelier. it is from my first project all my own. i was walking around the space during demolition with the contractor. there in the middle of the former law office's conference room, i spotted it. i jokingly asked if any of the construction workers were taking it home with them and bob the builder [that's what i call him] offered it to me graciously. i know, i know, all of my things are contained within the single room i spent the last 20 years growing up in,
but someday, i promise i will move out.
and someday, i promise, i will have a place for a chandelier.

while antique shopping in iowa i found a trunk from the 1920s. both of my grandparent's have one at the end of their bed and i think since i was small, i dreamed of one for me as well. i always had my eye out, but had never found the perfect one, at least until this summer. for $60 is it was a deal i couldn't pass up. i wonder where it's traveled and what it's held. i wonder who left the scratch on the side and why the leather handle has snapped. i'll never know, but i like knowing there is a reason. my grandfather and i spent the friday after thanksgiving fitting a new cedar lining for the inside. what a special memory. i will never open it or breath in that distinct aroma without thinking of our shared project. someday it will sit at the end of my bed, but for now, it resides in the middle of my room. another chapter in its story.



yesterday, i spent my entire afternoon and evening with half a dozen different groups of people. it was really a quite eclectic and fantastic day. first an afternoon in old town with holly, then dinner with two groups of girls i formally lead in summer studies. i met old friends from college and new friends in wichita for drinks, only to unexpectedly finish the night with a co-worker celebrating a birthday with friends at the anchor.
all people in totally different places of life,
with completely different views,
each redefining truth in his or her own way,
and all with a story of their own.
i loved spending my moments listening to them tell pieces of it.

note to self: do not, i repeat, do not, get a coffee at 12:30 am no matter how good it sounds or you will find yourself again, still up at 5am and going into work at a ridiculous time.

Sunday, December 25, 2005

noel

regret from this christmas...i didn't send out my christmas cards. the enevelopes are addressed. the card is designed. but alas, they never made it from their digital form as a file to tangible form in your mailbox. as i said, the envelopes are ready so be looking for them on new years? birthday? random happy tuesday? just wait and see.
the card you should have received...merry christmas.

Saturday, December 24, 2005

happy birthday

'twas the night before christmas...

the eve of Your birth. what You must have been feeling this night before You made Your entrance into the world You created. You came not as a king clothed in earthly splendor, though You deserved the best we had to offer. You should have been wrapped in the finest blankets. people should have been waiting outside Your palace, anticipating Your first sound. but You came a different way.

You choose to be carried by an unwed teenager. only she and Your earthly father knew of Your arrival. the animals made noises in the background as they looked upon Your face for the first time. You sought not the praise of man because You already had the full attention of God. Your first visitors were not kings and priests, but unruly shepherds.
no one knew what lay ahead. but You did. You knew all along.

christmas is the celebration of Your birth. it would have been celebrated as gandi's, joseph smith, and mohammed...it would have been just another prophet's birthday if not for Your resurrection. those three days set You apart; they make You different from all the others.
Your birthday is still comemorated 2,000 years later.
we don't celebrate like this for anyone else.

some celebrate though they don't believe in You. some think it's a holiday just about giving and family. about presents and parties. candies and candles. i can understand why they are okay without You. many times i think i am too. You don't answer all my questions. i can't understand it all. but it seems the odds are in Your favor. 60 historically documented prophesies You fulfilled in your 33 years on earth. the odds of just 8 of them happening are 1:100,000,000,000,000,000...
and just in case we still doubted, You fulfilled all 60.

tomorrow, i'll wake up to my sister jumping on me and i'll try to open my eyes before the present pictures. i'll hope i bought amy the right size pants and eric hasn't purchased for himself the book i got him. we'll give and receive. laugh and tease. eat and sing.
but not without remembering it all began with You.
we breath because You created.
we think because You inspired.
we live because of Your died.

...merry christmas to all and to all a good night.

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

i'm becoming an architect...slowly

it was one of those weeks full of extremes, the really good and the really bad, the hot and the cold. nothing luke warm. i think subconsciously, i tried to relive final's week in the real world. it was horrible. okay, not horrible, but by far the most work-induced-stress-related week yet...a whole 65 hours of it. and i got to thinking, half of my waking hours are spent "on the clock" and i have but one post devoted to such happenings. ta da...no. 2.

aside from last week, i can boldly state, i love my job. i wouldn't go as far as saying i wake up excited to go to work. after my initial fight with the snooze button, it doesn't take much to get me moving. our office operates much different than many architectural firms. we don't work in teams or on one single project at a time. during any given week, i'll have 5-10 projects run by my desk working with 3 different project managers. most of the work we do are smaller, community type projects which keeps my attention. i get bored easily on large, highly coordinated ones. the following a few consuming my time lately:

galichia heart hospital: ct remodel, or remodel, er addition
i love healthcare projects. it's not because there contain huge opportunities for "Architecture", but because the spaces i create and coordinate have such a huge impact on human life. i feel i can help people the most in healthcare type projects. but this one is a messy one. to build a hospital is one thing. to remodel it is another. moving patients, making nose, creating dust aren't exactly welcomed in sterile environments. and talk about coordination. each week 12 of us [i the only female] sit around a conference room discussing the progress of the seven different phases. words like med gases, rad room, pixis machines fly around my head.
i'm getting better at understanding...slowly.

bcs/skt ventures: relocating office to remodeled old town building
my first job as a project manager. the client is an up and coming internet/phone company with a modern sense of style. they have never gone through a building process before with an architect and to my surprise, totally trust me. [oh, if they only knew!] they love the fabric of old town and want to preserve it as much as possible. however, it's hard to do when you open up walls and realize they are supporting twice as much weight as they should in addition to having no shear support. this building, once three separate pieces, has a narrow corridor which runs down the middle. the old outside walls and windows are now inside...this is my favorite space. i've learned a lot about construction administration on this one, one of my great weaknesses. i'm not a commanding kind of person, so asking a contractor to move a wall really scares me.
i'm getting more confident...slowly.

don baxter & associates: new office building for a financial planner
another pm job, but this one from scratch...much easier. the first meeting my principal and i had with the contractor and don, we discovered a common love for wine. no sooner had we begun discussing his small wine stash in his office, than he pulled up a spread sheet of the 700 bottles he has collected at home. he opened a bottle to commemorate our first meeting and every meeting since then, we have taken turns providing a bottle. as the project's design evolved, it became tuscan inspired. after the new year, i'll hit the cd package hard and will get to put everything from the grading plan to the interior finishes together. though it's location screams suburbia america, it will be the first i see go from my head, to my hand, to being built.
i'm becoming an architect...slowly.

throw in a new wood-oven pizza restaurant, programming for a retinal clinic, and LEED research for a new "gold building" in portland, along with city review comments and zone variance applications, and you have my working week. there was a time i longed for my phone to ring or reasons to send emails with my name at the bottom. now, i cringe when heather pages me and delay checking my message light. but i truly enjoy what i do. creating, molding, forming things into being and putting all the pieces together. ..i really don't know of another profession which would fit me so well. someday, i'd like to do something i love so much that getting paid would be icing on the cake. the kind of job i am excited to get up for, one i would do without any financial reimbursement. i'm not there yet.
but i'm figuring it out...slowly.

and it came to pass

Saturday, December 17, 2005

one step at a time

this week was our office christmas party. we divided and filled the wall of booths in the restaurant, ordering anything and as much as we wanted...the big guys were paying. shrimp escargot, pinot noir, salmon, and key lime pie. still fill my stomach. gennifer and i, being the only unattached in our office, accompanied each other. she was a good date, laughed at my comments, we conferred before order, she gave me a bite of her fillet, and we swapped desserts half way. perhaps we should have been more conscious of our evening partnership and lack of significant other, but we didn't care. no worries about including our date in building conversation or introducing him to other office friends.
we enjoyed our evening together.

i'm beginning to relish this unattached life. i've realized as i've entered this new world of singlness, how unintentionally self-indulgent it is. i don't mean to say all single people are selfish or couples always practice humility. however, there is an inherent "others-minded" attitude that must exist in a relationship that singleness does not require.
it's kind of nice for a change.

however, this doesn't prohibit my mind from wandering to the act where "he" enters. "he" as, my teammate, my compliment, the one. i know you've thought about it as you stood behind the curtain of unknowning. life is full of hundreds of little decisions, made every minute of every day, which slowly accumulate to navigate and steer our journey. there are also, a handful of big decisions which when made, powerfully chart our course. for a long time, i thought i had this other-half-thing figured out. though the path then still seemed unclear,
i thought i at least knew who i was besides.
now they both seem blurry.

people tell me i need to get out there. my only first date resulted in a seven-year courtship and now some tell me i need to figure out what i'm looking for; what my "type is." i'm in no hurry. i'm not looking. call me old-fashion or naive, but i think when it's time, i'll know it. he'll find me. he'll pursue me. i often wonder, though, what he'll be like and how we will fit together. will we spend saturdays playing soccer in the park or visiting a gallery? can he cook or reconfigure computers? would he rather ride his bike or tinker with cars in the garage? does his tv scanning begin with c-span or espn? will he read to me at night or leave me notes on the bathroom mirror? have we crossed paths already or will he know the first moment i walk into view?

this thinking stirs in me not an anxiety nor overwhelm.
i feel a contented excitement.
one of the things i've learned over the past few months is,
i can't mess it up.
as long as i'm following the Truth, seeking His will,
i won't fall off the path.
i will not be his life. he will not be mine.
i cannot answer his question, "am i enough?" nor can for me.
we must take that question to You; then bring him to me.
i'll continue down this road,
eyes ahead, hands lifted, heart at peace.
in His perfect time, i will look over to find another,
traveling the same path and we'll journey together.
but for now, i'll just keep walking, one step at a time.

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

remind me why

0600 left home
0930 meeting
1100 meeting
1500 meeting
1600 meeting missed because 1500 meeting ran over
1711 left office to save sanity. ran on eliptical.
1806 bean burrito at taco bell [hold the onions please]
1838 back to work
2153 still working....
2246 fatal autocad error. explicit uttered. file recovered.
2307 left for home

remind me why i became an architect.
remind me why i belong in this profession.
remind me why, for some sick reason, i love this.

[note to self: things still take 3 times longer than you think they will even though you've graduated. you may think you're smarter,
but you actually have to finish projects now.]

Sunday, December 11, 2005

smiles with her eyes

another video is in the works. this one requires me to look through pictures of my own. along with my journals, i record life pictorially in the seven photo albums at my feet. [perhaps this is an unaddressed obsession] i rarely take the time those images deserve to reminisce. pictures capture an instant, an event, regardless of their worth. but hindsight tells us they alwyas are. i laugh at some of my outfits/hair styles from high school already [i didn't think that was supposed to happen for at least five more years] soccer games and sleep-overs, trips and birthdays; all framed within the 4x6 boundary. pictures represent moments, but they can only awaken memories and feelings for those who were there. to anyone else, they do not hold the same value.



these three pictures are extremely valuable to me. they represent three separate and unique lives on the dennehotso navajo reservation.
each girl, a different journey, a different story.

i met lorena on my first trip to the reservation as a 15 year old. she came from a broken home with her brother, nolan. when nolan smiled, you smiled too because he was missing his front four teeth after being kicked by a horse. most other kids played at home all day by themselves in the absence of their parents, but lorana and nolan insisted on spending the day at the church while their mother looked for work. we liked having them there. lorena was slow to trust, but once she did, she didn't let you out of her sight. i am the same; we bonded.

asha was in my group both years i visited. i tried not to pick favorites, but if i did, asha was mine. i found ways to spend extra time with her or steal her always-ready hugs. she gave me her beloved doll before i left and refused let me give it back. today, she has entered high school. i wonder if she'd still be my favorite and if she thinks of me as i do of her.

georgina was the youngest of 5 girls. i think her parents dreamed of life outside of the arizona reservation as each child was named georgia, georginana, etc. she acted the toughest of them all, but her heart was soft. she let me see that side of her. she pretended she didn't like to be hugged, but i knew she craved being held.

these pictures remind me of how i love this indian culture. life is slow and works without schedule. the people are so hungry for hope and purpose, seeing so little in their desolate surroundings/situations. some of them still spoke navajo, but much of their heritage is being lost with each generation.

one night, we sat around and gave each other indian names. you know, like dances with wolves and old stab [legends of the fall] if i had an indian name, it would be smiles with her eyes. when something makes me happy, you can see it in my toothy grin as well as in my eyes; they get all squinty. sometimes my eyes get lost completely, no matter how hard i try to keep them open. it's genetic, the sornson in me.
i like having smiling eyes, though.
you needn't have been there to know how i felt.

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

tell your story

first, i must start off by saying how much i love the word, blog, and all its forms...blogger, blogging, blogster, etc. i find myself going out of my way to use it in a sentence...it ranks up there with knob, argh, trabajaba and hablabamos. i think i have a word fetish.

what is the point of all of this? really...why do we blog? [n. an online diary; a personal chronological log of thoughts published on a web page] why do we read blogs? why do i make tangible my words and thoughts only to send them out into the black internet abyss?

some people blog for attention, it has become an addiction for others.
a blogger's [n. an author of an online chronology of thoughts] reason to write should be because they have something to share other people want to hear. their incentive is the steadily climbing counter in the sidebar [n. one or more columns along one or both sides of most blogs main page] it slowly counts hits and assures that even if a blurker [n. one who reads many blogs but leaves no evidence of themselves] strikes, somebody is reading.
somebody is listening.
somebody wants to know what i have to say.
somebody wants to know me.
there is some truth to this motivation.
but i must say, even if the counter read "0,000" i would still write.
i blog for another reason.

if you've never heard the voice of God, you'll more than likely roll your eyes at this. but for those of you who have, you will testify to its wonder. He rarely speaks with a loud, thunderous boom or an audible sound. there are no fireworks or beams of light from parting clouds. He whispers in your ear, in your thoughts. part of you wants to believe you made it up, but you can't. you know what you heard wasn't from you. i guarantee He's spoken to you; His voice was more than likely lost in the distractions.

it was the beginning of july and i was enjoying the stillness of the evening on a run. i wish i could say i run for exercise because then i might push myself harder and actually enjoy the benefit of physical training. but i running is my therapy. i pound out my frustrations and struggles with each mile i go, each step i take. it's during this time i find myself most at peace. quiet enough to listen, still enough to hear. if i hear His voice, usually, it's on one of my runs. i heard Him on this run.

there i was, throwing it down on the pavement, laying it out,
"why me? why this? what am i to do now?"
"tell your story," He said.
"tell my what?"
"tell your story," i heard again.
"what's my story and how am i supposed to tell it? i don't have anything i would want to share and if i did, nobody else would want to hear it."
"tell your story"
*a mile later*
"argh. [argh: adj. frustrated, exasperated...i made this one up]
i don't understand...but i'll do it...it makes no sense...but i'll tell it."

so i started consistantly blogging [v. the act of writing in one's blog]. i can't write a book, i don't know how to publish articles. but i can blog. sometimes i feel like it, a lot of times i don't. sometimes i have one hundred things to post [n. a dated entry within a blog] about but often nothing at all. i don't know for what reason, for who, or why... but i write.

i remember when i was first introduced to the world of design and i began to see things through lenses of space, rhythm, and order. there was a reason for the way everything was done and i wanted to uncover why. blogging has opened a new world to me through writing. i look for a tale in the every day and ordinary, wondering if i can make something interesting out of my trip to wal-mart or dinner last night. it allows me to step back from my own life and look it from a different perspective; outside looking in. i can see things i normally wouldn't.
it has been therapy in and of itself. this is good; it's too cold to run.

we all have stories. we all come with experiences and memories, knowledge and battle wounds from living our stories. i look around at people and wonder about their journey. do they have someone to tell them to at the end of the day? perhaps they just tuck them away and forget them in the days and years which quickly pass. i don't want their story to be lost. i want them to know that it matters even when they can't understand how. sometimes i think i want to spend my life just listening to other people share their stories and then re-telling it in a way for others to hear. perhaps. but for now, i'll just work on my own.

i've thought a lot about this meta-blog [n. an post about blogging] for the past couple days and now that it's written, it seems rather silly.
but i guess that's not the point; it shouldn't matter.
"tell your story," He said. so i will.

p.s. there a crazy blogosphere [n. blogs as a social network] out there who actually have entire sites devoted to blogging and it related terms.
yikes!

Saturday, December 03, 2005

on your wedding day

here’s to you on your day. may God make your lives together beautiful.

the dance.

looking back on the memory of
the dance we shared beneath the stars above
for a moment all the world was right
how could I have known you'd ever say goodbye

*and now i'm glad i didn't know
*the way it all would end the way it all would go
*our lives are better left to chance
*i could have missed the pain
*but i'd of had to miss the dance

Thursday, December 01, 2005

me and my shadow

everything that we see is a shadow cast
by that which we do not see.
[martin luther king, jr.]