daddy's girl

i’d like to say i’m an equal mix of both of my parents. but if i’m really honest with myself, i would have to admit i fit more into the mold of my father. i possess his same work ethic and listening skills…as well as his stubbornness and smiling eyes. i’m proud to take his good as well as his bad. i have found no man i respect more. of no one am i more proud.

working in the overlapping profession of construction, i’ve been amazed at the respect i am granted with just the mention of his name. “oh, you’re paul’s daughter? you come from good blood. he’s a good man.” “yes.” i tell them. “he is.” but they don't really know how good. he began with his company in college and now 36 years later has taken only 2 sick days. oh how, he loves what he does. he can’t remember a single day that has passed that he hasn’t wondered where the time went. for awhile he considered going into seminary, but he realized he was created for this. he touches more lives on the jobsite then he ever would from a pulpit.

for the first time in years, he’s had to leave us for a fast-track project in eastern kansas. he leaves early monday morning at 4 am to make it in time to meet the guys finishing night shift and before the next one begins. his work week holds 80+ hours and leaves him completely exhausted. my mom, sister, and i rule the house until he returns the following saturday night when we let him think he’s still in charge. it’s easy to take people you are around all the time for granted and perhaps him leaving has reminded me of the significance he has in my life.

my father is one of those kind of guys that doesn’t speak often but when he does, you listen. his correction is never critical or demeaning, but always presented in such a way that always makes you want to do better the next time. though never my coach, i cannot remember a soccer game in thirteen years of playing he missed. he would know just what to say afterwards and how to correct my mistakes…or when to just let it go. he can fix anything. and i really mean anything. i think he’s spoiled me for there are few things i've broken which have needed replacing. i tell him now if i don’t marry someone who can take over this fix-it man role in my life, i’ll have to live close. he loves us through service; i don’t think he'd mind.

his strong, loud voice could frequently be heard throughout the house as he showered in the morning. when we were little, after my mom had finished our story, we would beg him to sing to us. my father knows his hymns and usually we were ushered into sleep with “the dance” or “it only takes a spark.” i cannot help but smile when i hear those songs now. sunday mornings were always my favorite. the kitchen was mom’s domain every day of the week except for brunch after church. omelets were his specialty, though sometimes i talked him into pancakes. for as long as i can remember, he has been my valentine, taking time to set out special chocolates and presents for us in the morning. this year, it meant a little more.

so here i sit, tears in my eyes, overwhelmed by how blessed i am for this man, and trying to find the words to convey the emotion inside of me. few people have such a clear picture of the love our heavenly Father has for us. many have been wounded by our imperfect fathers representing an all perfect God. but no man, no matter how wonderful, could convey the depth of His love. the God that holds the universe in the palm of His hands, sets the stars in their place, and empowers the waves, asks us to call Him, Abba, Daddy [literal greek translation of luke 11:2]. He knows what stirs my heart and the number of hairs on my head. He loves me just as i am and not as i should be. He loves me the same in my filth and disgrace as He does in my beauty and grace. in loving me, He made me lovable. His love for me is so deep that He would rather die than live without me…than without you.

we try to do things on our own. we think we have it all together. then it falls apart. then it falls apart again. reluctantly, we walk back to Him. we know we have done wrong and we should have listened earlier. but life just seemed like it would be so much better on our own. while we were still a long way off, He saw us. we didn’t realize it, but He had been waiting the whole time. not even to the end of the driveway He came running. He held our face in His hands and embraced us with a hug and kissed our forehead. there was no disappointment in His face or scolding in His words, just love. complete and unconditional love.

good morning

"good morning, sunshine." my mom has greeted me this way each morning for as long as i can remember. although these thoughts i am compiling as the sky is dark, the stars are out, and the day is finishing, morning is in my heart. let me attempt to explain.

it feels as if i'm waking up. i roll over in my bed and the time on the clock comes into focus. it's early, but i have no reason to get up. i turn back around and drift in and out of consciousness. the sun begins to peer through my curtains and taps me on my shoulder. this time, i don't dismiss it, i let it wake me. i rub the sleep from my eyes and watch the color change outside my window, orange to pink to blue. it's beautiful. the sun is overcoming the darkness and radiating its glory. i watch in awe as if i'm seeing it for the first time.

half of my covers are on the floor. my curls are swirling all over my head. i lay in the sunshine a bit longer and stretch...i love that feeling. there is no hurry; no urgency to get moving. perhaps i'll pick up my book or go to the kitchen to make chocolate chip pancakes. an early run or maybe a shower? better yet, i will just roll over and enjoy this moment a little longer. the entire day lies before me. it is full of unknowns and what if's. no need to worry about the holes or the questions. i have nothing hidden or unattended. whatever comes, He is in control.
i am surrendered. i am rested. i am at peace.

this whole idea is funny to me because i didn't know i was asleep...
i didn't realize i was living in a reality i had created for myself. it wasn't wrong. it could have happened, but now it won't. i am thankful it was just a dream. i am thankful, though a part of my story, it is behind me now. and although my circumstances haven't changed in the past few months
and everything around me looks the same,
i am more alive than ever. it feels good.

i wrote a post a while back about being held in the dark. i would have given anything at that time to see the light of day.
but you can't hurry the Son. He won't be forced.
sometimes you have to tread through the darkness
until you can dance in His light.
good morning? good morning indeed.

"this is the day that He has made.
i will rejoice and be glad in it.
[psalm 118:4]

those who sow in tears
will reap with songs of joy.
[psalm 126:5]

fyi

A L O N E. Puri, originally uploaded by Claude Renault.

my mind isn't on work this morning, or in this country for that matter...

bad dancing party

first, all credit must be given to holly, the queen of the bad dance.

i think we all have the capability to dance. it is our fear of approval or lack of self-confidence that keeps us to the edge of the dance floor. if given a choice, i prefer to watch. i have little inherent rhythm and am jealous of the natural moves of steph, nikki, and ashley. it is only after i have relaxed enough or am in the company of others who will not allow me to sit, will i enter the floor in a public place. almost always is a good time had once i give into the musical urges.

i do, however, not think twice about participating in a bad dancing party, nicknamed by the little sister as "bdp." more than likely, bdps occur at the most random of times, with someone you can be yourself with, and rarely in a public place. maybe you've never heard of such a thing or didn't know it had a name or thought you were alone in this activity.

in our dorm room, holly and i began this practice. we were seniors who had purposely moved into a floor with all freshman. perhaps their age had rubbed off on us or perhaps we'll never act ours. whether it was stress induced, a climax to our silliness, or simply because we're avoiding things we should be doing, we let it all go with our bad dancing moves. one single, monumental show was given as the girls, [bethany, holly and i] united for a VA/NC trip last summer. as we prepared a grilled feast, we let it all go with kelly clarkson's since you've been gone. [note to holls & bethy: i was extremely tempted to include the video, but restrained. thank me later!]

bdps have been frequent with my littlest sister this year. we haven't lived together for five years so we're bonding again. a pdp playlist on my iTunes player has been evolving so when the spontaneous moment appears, we are prepared. we have even invented a few special moves of our own "the crow," the one where we go in a circle, and "tatonka." i am sure this is only the beginning. over christmas break, we entered amy into our group and eric laughed at us from the crack in the door. next time we'll make him join us.

i write this not to embarrass myself, for little could, but rather to share the silliness, joy, and freedom which can be found in a bdp. whether you've had a tough week, a deadline looms over your head, or you just need a break, take a moment to dance...and dance bad. [included is our favorite bad dance party song to get you started]

for some of you, this is a difficult first step to take, so to you, i offer you an alternative. take the other half of your life in your arms and slow dance in the living room. i promise you, she doesn't want two dozen roses or a box of ghirardelli chocolates. you don't need to spend $100 on dinner or buy her fancy jewelry. she just wants to be held in your undivided attention.
[also included is my favorite slow-dance-in-the-living-room song]

speak little, do much

in the last month, i :

+ took a salsa/meringue dance lesson
+ ate dinnter at home with my family only four times
+ paid off entire loan to the government
+ began leading a group of high school girls
[i’ve forgotten what it was like to be in high school]
+ enrolled in a class because i want to take it
[not because i have to take it]
+ discovered i actually enjoy this required reading
+ found weight i thought i had lost this summer
+ went on two 10 mile runs
[training for half marathon to lose it again]
+ received a raise
+ took on the black slopes at copper mountain
+ sent in application for eMi india
+ bought/received/started 7 books on india
+ began a hair color transition out of a "blond"
+ developed a frusteration for the city planning process
+ enjoyed reflection without production

it’s been a busy month.
"speak little, do much." [benjamin franklin]